The Dark Side

I've been fighting a lot of demons lately. Old scars from days long past have crept into my subconscious, and have started to make their way into my consciousness.

I realized that this is the first time I've been alone and isolated since those terrible days that drove me away from my life as I had known (and planned) it. I've had family and boyfriends around me all the time since then, with the exception of the month that Rod spent in Australia, and my parents moved to the Island. I've prided myself on being made of tough stuff, but only now am I starting to suspect that it's easy to be tough when you know at the end of the day, you'll go home to some unconditional love and support. It's an entirely different beast to slay when your scared and there are no comforting arms to take you in and calm you down.

It's made its way into my dreams, and I see it all over again, and the fear still elicits the same response: my throat begins to close, and I'm drowning in panic again...wondering how it ever could have happened, and why is it coming back now. And the terrifying part about it is that I can't talk about it. This secret haunts me; no one currently playing supporting roles in my life is aware of it, so I feel like I'm being strangled by the silence I'm bound to keep because inviting them into that part of my life is scary, and gives them the power to judge me differently then they already have. My facade is starting to crack, revealing someone I haven't introduced to anyone in so many years, I'd managed to forget that she existed until recently.

I've done some truly ugly things in my life. Being caught up in that time and place...I suppose I haven't forgiven myself, and even worse, I'm starting to be paranoid that those actions may have caused problems for other people involved, and if that's the case, I've just increased the size of the cross I've been bearing, and yet desperately trying to shed.

I'd give my weight in gold to trade this fear and anxiety for a nice healthy neuroses like weight-consciousness.