An Open Letter to 2005

...Life. Thanks for the lessons, good, bad or ugly. This year has been a series of battles to be won and lost, and I'm ever sure that I'm a better person for everything. Sometimes we lose our way, and other times, the clarity of a moment is blindingly simple.

2005 started with so many promises. There was a relaxing Vacation in Cancun with Rod in February, where I felt the wispy, fine sand and warm tropical sun invite me to slow life down. There was a frenetic and exciting trip to New York in April, where I felt the pulse of a megatropolis thrill and quicken my own pulse. There was the bittersweet experience of convocation, taking me from my home away from home for the past 8 years, forcing me to find a new way in the world. There was a new job in July, offering me my first taste of the grown up world in the field I'm interested in pursuing a career in.

At this moment on a beautiful August afternoon at the top of Mt. Whistler, I was on top of the world. I was healthy, secure, and I was sure that my future lay beyond those mountains to the west. Just 5 short minutes later, Life got in the way again, as I called my parents and learned that my oldest Brother's life was spiralling out of control, the result of a drug addiction more powerful then any he's faced previously. Both of my parents anxiously dealt with medical problems that could've been deadly. Since then I've watched my family strain to present unity on anything. There's a sense that the support system I once relied on from my family is threatening to falter, but I hold on as best I can because I love them all, no matter what.

As the months passed, and a bleak summer bled into a fine autumn, I was reminded more and more how lucky I was to have Rod. Inexplicably, I was knocked off kilter in August, and I'm afraid I've been struggling to find my way back to normal since then, and Rod's been patient with me. We celebrated our seventh anniversary this year, which shouldn't surprise those who know us, since they know that I'm steadfastly devoted to him, and he's scared to death of me :)

My future plans were thrown into doubt in November, and I learned that Grad School was highly unlikely in the near future. I have no money, and even if I do improve my grades enough to get there, the chances of winning a scholarship are tight, given my rather colourful academic past. We'll just have to go with the flow I guess, see where I'm really meant to be these days. November also showed me that I'm not meant for my current job. I'm not sure where to go from here.

And we're at December, and for the first time since probably 1995, I was able to do a lot of xmas shopping on my own, and I was able to spoil Rod like never before. I've never had a full time job around the holiday season before, so it felt good spending my own money to make Rod happy. I also experienced a better birthday, leading me to believe that there is something other then misery on that 'special' occasion. Now my energies have focussed on planning for a new start with the new year. 2005 is due to be put away now.

So evidently 2005 will be hard to top in terms of highs. I travelled a lot, pushed my personal limits, ended an entire phase of my life. So I can look back on this year as one that I'd be okay with remembering down the road. Fare thee well 2005.

Happy Prezzies Day!

It's x-mas morning, the presents are opened, and I'm a happy little ducky. So's Rod.

It's been a very emotional holiday season around here. David did pass away last week, and it hit me hard. Back in August, as you may recall, there was serious concern that the lump on Daddy's neck was a malignant tumor caused by a form of Lymphoma. Sadly, at the same time, Gail and David were receiving the diagnosis that my dad was lucky to have escaped. I can't help but feel guilty that we were so lucky. I never actually met Gail or David, but they've been amusing online friends for more than a year, and I'm very saddened by David's passing.

It's also been a slow, difficult week at work. I tried to keep up a polite facade, but I found by Wednesday, I was a miserable bitch and I didn't care who knew it. I'm finding my job doesn't challenge me in a positive way. I've learned a lot about the organizational flow and the how and why of some decision making, but I'm not stimulated to be creative or critical because all I do is answer phones, open mail and plug in data. I'm still in the school mindset, so I'm left feeling like I'm not doing enough.

But there have been some good things about this season too. I didn't have to face some of the same tortures surrounding shopping this year. I had to do some for Karyne, and a couple of things for the parents, but this year, it was mainly just my shopping, and I got it done quickly and easily. Last night we did the xmas eve thing in Vegreville with Rod's family, and my parents were there this year. Rod and I made out like bandits this year, and I suppose it helps having a job this time around.

Rod Got:

-DVDs
-Books
-a Countertop Grill
-a Shiatsu chair massage pad
-uno cards
-a Sweater
-After Shave Lotion
-An iPod Nano
-lots of other little things

I got:
-A Detroit Red Wings jersey
-a Gold Y drop necklace
-the Something's Gotta Give Soundtrack
-lots of cash for Boxing Day shopping
-DVDs

And the day's not over yet! My parents are coming for brunch with a couple more presents, and there's some good movies playing at the theatres, so today's full, and tomorrow is Boxing Day, and I'll go to West Ed and try to score some good deals on clothes. Then it's on to my favourite holiday, New Year's. I've always loved the start of a New Year. There's always hope for new starts.

So I guess I'm 27 now

I had a birthday. Don't believe me? There are pictures here. This year I was coarsed by Rod into having a party-type thing, with only 3 or 4 days to go. So on Saturday, we cleaned up, Rod bought enough food to serve multitudes, and there was a big cake. A Big one. 30 or 40 people could've eaten hearty pieces easily. I'll admit, I was beyond pessimistic. Given last year's debacle, I was pretty bitter about the idea. It was my real wish this year to just let the day pass as unnoticed as possible to avoid a repeat, but Rod was insistent. I played no part in putting it together, and I was actually quite depressed as the days passed.

This year, things were vastly better. People showed up, we had fun, we chatted, played games, hung out...it was relaxed and easy. I didn't have to be hostess or anything, I could just sit back and let things handle themselves. I was still embarassed though. Last year almost everyone cancelled and probably thought they wouldn't be missed because everyone else would be there. I don't think it would've been the spur, but somewhere in the back of their minds, I can't help but wonder if they were trying to avoid the same thing. Celebrating yes, but could guilt have played a role? *Listen to the hubris!*

Then on Sunday Rod and I hit the road and finished some x-mas shopping and went to the craft show at the Butterdome. It was just a lazy day, which was good after Saturday's work and partying. But I wondered why I wasn't getting the gift I'd asked for. It turned out that Rod was waiting for my parents to be present on Monday at supper to give it to me, but by then, mummy had accidentally let the cat out of the bag so I knew to expect it.

I made a special request for my birthday this year. I asked for a small gold locket, but it had to be not-heartshaped (because heart-shaped jewellry is so Grade 7), it had to be fairly plain, and crucially, it had to have the birthdates for me and my grandmother engraved on the inside. Each year without my beloved Gramma on our special day, my heart feels the void even more. This way, I will always have something to remind me that we did have a special day.

Okay, I'm rambling now. I guess one does that the older they get. I wonder if we should end all hope of coherency from Rod as his 30th birthday approaches.

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Holy Fuck, was I high on glue when I wrote all that? That's the best I could do? It's written like I'm preparing a high school English Composition or something! I swear, the older I get, the more I forget how to write stuff that appeals to even me.

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Okay, I'll admit it...I actually wrote much of that stuff while watching Cold Case Files on A&E, so my attention span wasn't the greatest. It was the episode about the Green River Killer, and I was more interested in watching the pathology of Ted Bundy's thinking play itself out then I was in telling my sad little tale of a better birthday.

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But you weren't supposed to know that.

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But I can't lie about it...it's obvious that I was writing halfheartedly, and that's so not like me. You were probably wondering what had stolen my thunder or whatever.

I'll shut up now.