Sunday, December 12, 2004

The second worst birthday ever

Oh yeah, I'm not kidding. We don't need to rehash the worst ever, suffice it to say that it was a devastating blow to my confidence. This birthday....a devastating blow to my trust. I should have known better than to get my hopes up. Every year I hope that my birthday will be a happy occasion, and every year, I'm disappointed. One might ask how I can be so masochistic as to let myself become hopeful every year. Slow learning curve.

My birthday is already a painful and heartwrenching ordeal as it is. My Gramma and I shared the same birthday, 60 years apart. We had a special relationship because of it. And now that she's gone, it breaks my heart each and every time I don't get to call her to share our special day. I can't think about it without becoming very upset.

The first bad sign of the day was when I opened my email and saw 3 people had bailed. Then my parents forgot about my birthday. Then the blizzard started. Then Rod neglected some of his chores. Then the stylist gave me bad 90's "Little whorehouse in Texas" giant hair, then 2 more people bailed. So there was little point to trying to pretend that my birthday mattered to many people. I was beyond choked. I know my birthday is during a difficult time of year, but I sent out advanced notice three weeks ago saying that there would be something going on. You would think people would budget their time for the friends that theoretically "matter" to them. This whole debacle really shows where I fit in the pecking order. Gee, how could I possibly be considered a bitter person after so much disappointment?

But the honours of being the straw that broke the camel's back go to Chris. He bailed on my birthday to go rollerblading. And he wonders why no one shares a close relationship with him. Nothing says "You don't really matter" like "I have something better to do".

Not everyone bailed. Jette came out once I calmed down enough after sobbing for more than an hour. Lori came out much later. Heidi was going to come out, until I cancelled my birthday. And Rod, poor guy who get stuck with trying to comfort me, he still loves me.

So, my options are:

1) get the fuck out of this city, move somewhere better, and make new friends
2) just completely disown the concept of a birthday altogether
3) Stop pretending.


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