Role Playing

Sometimes you want to step out of your life and live a different one, even just for a brief moment. I think that people who don't admit that they get those urges are either lying or suffer cruelly from a terminal lack of curiousity/imagination. I refuse to see such imaginings as some kind of dissatisfaction with one's life necessarily, just as a chance to explore what the other possibilities could have been. So, I put it to you...what's your alternate universe?

In another life, I could see myself as either a singer or a dancer. Neither are a big stretch for me. I can carry a tune, and I've got the long, sinewy lines preferred by professional dancers. And I'm actually quite free with expression through movement. I'm comfortable with letting music lead me.

I used to love to sing. I've got a clear soprano in the higher range, and I've got an ear for picking up lyrics and melodies quickly and easily. But I was never encouraged. My folks, gotta love them, didn't really know me growing up. I don't think they've ever heard me solo come to think of it. And they were more interested in seeing me get a desk job that pays a salary rather then pursue my passions, so I wasn't exactly dreaming big. Furthermore, there was always someone better around. The real stinging blow was delivered by a boyfriend who insisted that he wanted to perform a song with someone else instead of with me because they were considered a star in the choir. So after a while, I started to wonder what was wrong with me. Well, other factors play a role in what happened next, but a distinct lack of support was important too; I developed an intense anxiety about people seeing me. To the point that I was hospitalized once during a rehearsal because I felt like a huge fraud. I was pretty sure I was only there to fill a void.

Every once in a while a glimmer of the life I wanted unveils itself to me, and I wistfully close the door. I haven't sang out loud for about 5 years. Even for Rod, who appears to like it. And yet, I can picture myself in front of an audience, mic in hand, and it's me and the music.

As for dancing, I also used to dance as a young kid. I started in Ballet, and during my second year when I was about 7, I was almost moved up to the Intermediate group for the end of year showcase, but in the end, the choreography for the group dance was changed so they could accommodate the group without adding people to make it work. But for some reason, when we moved from Fort Smith, I wasn't enrolled in Ballet anymore. But as I got older, I was more interested in ballroom dancing. I love the stories you can tell with dance. I aspire to learn to do the Tango, and not just the steps...I want to tell a story and to me, the Tango epitomizes this...love, heat, passion, jealousy, coldheartedness, rejection, intensity, and most of all, humanity. And I wonder, am I too old to start? But hey, if Robert Duvall can start after 50, I think I can do it at 26.

So there you have it. No secret desires to be an accountant or an astronaut or a zookeeper. Just give me the music.