BUT I DONWANNA!!!

Well folks. It's over. I have an unofficial Bachelor's degree as of 8:10 last night. It's sad really. I was so uncertain about whether I could actually pass this exam, but as the time drew nearer, I became very calm about it. I roughly sketched out where I was sitting in terms of percentage so far and determined that even a 50% on the final was enough to do the job just barely. Funny how that calmed me right down. And once I got into the exam and had a look, well, at first I had my doubts that I could do better than that 50% really, but a series of event unfolded that led to my confidence in passing the class:

First off, I had a look at the questions again, and actually saw things going on in my head that made sense. I don't mean made sense as in "I understand this stuff!" It was more like "well, what have I got to lose in trying?" Losing your inhibitions in the middle of a final might not work for some people, but MAN! I was feeling so good. I actually ended up doing enough questions to get part marks to give myself the cushion of allowing for other things to be wrong.

Second, about an hour and a half into the final, the prof realized that he hadn't actually taught us a concept as regards predicate logic that was the premise for completing a question on natural deductions, so he had to take the question off the exam, which took 5 points off the total, which meant that my cushion had just gotten a little cushier. That 5 points makes a *HUGE* difference to someone who's just scraping by to begin with, and when that question was cancelled, it was the weight of the world off my shoulders. Well hell! The exam was in the bag!

I finished what I could and after staring at the same question for 15 minutes and realizing that I was just not getting it, I packed up, strode up to the prof and turned that sucker in. I walked out and called Rod to come get me, and as I waited, I smiled inwardly about my success. Then it hit me.

I'm done.

I started post-secondary in September 1996, and have had quite a few hiccups along the way. Taking off the year and a half that I wasn't in school, I've been trying to complete a degree for 7 1/2 years. 9 years have passed since I started...9 years of my life. And now I'm done. So I did what anyone in my position would do.

I started to cry.

I had 2 personal accomplishments that I was prouder than hell about: I escaped the curse of an unfulfilled life in the North, and I found a love with Rod that has been the best thing to ever happen to me. Now I have 3 accomplishments. So why cry?

Because I'm not ready to go out and get some ho-hum job that *might* marginally touch on my career goals. I have to get the ball rolling on applying to grad schools because dammit, I just want better than everyone expects for me. Nothing wrong with wanting more. And I guess I was crying because my carefree days of studentdom are on hold while I get a job long enough to pay for the move to Vancouver.

I guess I'm not emotionally ready to graduate. I'm not ready to leave the U of A yet. I donwanna go out in the world yet. DONWANNA.