The Right Time

I finally sat down with a book I've been meaning to read for about three years now.

Leonard Cohen's Book of Longing has been on my radar since it came out, but there was always some reason why I didn't buy it: I was broke, I had to spend the money on other books, I couldn't find it, I was broke, etc. Well, last night, I finally said "fuck it, just do it...the visa bill will take care of itself (won't it?)."

I'm glad I waited until now for two reflexive reasons: 1) the poignancy might have been lost if I had read this book at a different time in my life; and 2) I've reached a crossroads again in my life, and this book has given me food for thought.

I could have simply enjoyed this book at any other time, but having read it now, when I am experiencing so much change, both professionally and personally, Cohen's words seem to be written specifically for some parts of my metamorphosis. They are his words for his experiences, but I feel I can claim those words for my own experiences; they aren't universal writings, and many can't relate, but I see a depth, I see him writing what I want to express, which allows me to legitimately claim them as part of my experience.

Read this book if you want (and you haven't already), but experience this book if you can.

Day 3: my captors mean business...

Any interest in knowing what my Capstone project will be this year?

(A Capstone is like a thesis, but with a few differences)

Well, the topic will be an analysis of the problem of low organ and tissue donation rates in Canada. But deconstructing the meaning of "what my Capstone project will be", in the deeper sense, it will be my life for the next 8 months. Oh sure, there are classes too, and theoretically speaking, a personal life, but to be honest, nothing in my life comes close to comparing to the size and scale of this project.

Wish me luck. If you don't hear from me after April 2010, consider it death by Grad School! ;)

Someday, she'll change...

I'm a 30 year old woman, but I get the same sympathetic treatment as a 15 year old...pat me on my head, give me that 'knowing' look, and think "Oh, some day she'll learn, some day, she'll understand."

This response is typical, if not entirely consistent whenever the topic of...what...being "grown up" I guess is the nearest approximation, comes up. And at 30, it's coming up so much more. I'm 30 and married, so that should mean that I want kids soon, and a home, and a reliable, safe vehicle, and a solid retirement investment portfolio combined with a solid pension. Right?

Wrong.

Look, that dream's great. It's served many boys and girls well, including some of my dearest friends and family. But it's not one size fits all, and it certainly doesn't fit me. I'm not dissing that dream (at least not trying to), but I can honestly say that I've never seen myself there. Not even as a little girl, playing house with my friends. In most situations, I was the dad or the kid, mostly because my friends didn't like me being the mom (I wasn't good at it).

My Gramma told me once that I had to find my own path in life and believe that I belonged there, and I've learned so much about myself, including the fact that my path wasn't meant to run through sweet, safe suburbia. People are currently looking at me a little sideways when I express doubts about going back to Ottawa, because they know I'm walking away from a safe bet complete with a nice pension and sweet benefits. Well, at least it's a little relief from the usual, which is getting those looks for expressing my desire to remain childless.

Trust me...a wise old Capricorn once said "Once you accept the fact that happiness is not all it's cracked up to be, you can be perfectly happy." I accepted it in terms of my lack of enthusiasm for the North American Dream, and I've been the happiest woman I know for years! I appreciate everyone's concern, but it's misguided. I have a plan...it's just a different one, and it's the one that ensures that I am living my life to what I consider to be its fullest.