Ottawa...take three

I'm still not going to commit.

Ottawa and I have improved our relationship marginally, but it's largely due to the people I'm hanging with and meeting. I've seen a few more sites, such as the Diefenbunker, Industry Canada, and the newly build Ismaili Centre (simply magnificent!), as well as the auditorium of the National Art Gallery, but it's the people that are making this experience easier.

Steve and I have become good friends. He's a solid guy, if somewhat more reserved than I am...or a lot more, but he's a willing listener, and his temperment allows for both the lighter side of life and laughing, as well as the more complex, heart-to-heart kind of stuff. Plus, he never discourages me from taking the chance to party :D

I haven't seen as much of Donavan as I should, but we're both busy being social and keeping our lives together. It's been awesome to catch up with him, move into the "friend" category again (if only briefly, cheeky monkey!), and again, solid, great to talk to and drink with :)

Maggie, the roommate, has been so easy to live with! So easy in fact, I feel bad when I disturb her with my night owl ways, which I think is frequently. I also don't do dishes like I should, but so far, we're getting along well.

As for newcomers to the cast of Fancy's life, well...it's been fun! They tend to be French (or at least French-speaking), and they all tolerate my maddeningly depressing unilingualism. I've also learned that I am something of a dish for men from West Africa here. There are plenty of them, and as flattering as it may be, it's a dish they'll have to forego. But three deserve honourable mentions, if for no other reason, they have proven to be delightful companions;

Adrienne, a friend of Donavan's, is hilarious. Almost as soon as we met, we took to each other like flirty peas and carrots (with Rod's approval). He's a witty guy, he spazzes flirtatious energy, and he's not afraid to be like that with me just because I'm married. In fact, I think it takes a lot of the pressure off of most situations; being married lets the guys know they don't have to impress me, so they can just be cool friends.

Brandon, a friend of Steve's, is sharp! He may be an "econonerd", but he's got a wit and intellect that is impressive. He picks up on jokes, and carries them on to a natural conclusion, without belabouring something. Plus, he's astutely picked up on the subtleties involved in "Chair Farming".

And Etienne, a coworker of a classmate. He's world weary and unapologetic about it, and he's got some excellent taste in music, books and movies :) As he's spent some time abroad, he's got a different take on life than most people I know, and even if I don't agree with him, he's got a way of arguing so that it will never turn personal. He's easy to talk to and carry on sophisticated conversation, but I can see a naughty child wanting to break loose sometimes :)

I've met so many people, but for now, those are the latest to join in my adventures! Plus, it's crazy-late, and I need to sleep off some of the liquor ;)

The Dark Side

I've been fighting a lot of demons lately. Old scars from days long past have crept into my subconscious, and have started to make their way into my consciousness.

I realized that this is the first time I've been alone and isolated since those terrible days that drove me away from my life as I had known (and planned) it. I've had family and boyfriends around me all the time since then, with the exception of the month that Rod spent in Australia, and my parents moved to the Island. I've prided myself on being made of tough stuff, but only now am I starting to suspect that it's easy to be tough when you know at the end of the day, you'll go home to some unconditional love and support. It's an entirely different beast to slay when your scared and there are no comforting arms to take you in and calm you down.

It's made its way into my dreams, and I see it all over again, and the fear still elicits the same response: my throat begins to close, and I'm drowning in panic again...wondering how it ever could have happened, and why is it coming back now. And the terrifying part about it is that I can't talk about it. This secret haunts me; no one currently playing supporting roles in my life is aware of it, so I feel like I'm being strangled by the silence I'm bound to keep because inviting them into that part of my life is scary, and gives them the power to judge me differently then they already have. My facade is starting to crack, revealing someone I haven't introduced to anyone in so many years, I'd managed to forget that she existed until recently.

I've done some truly ugly things in my life. Being caught up in that time and place...I suppose I haven't forgiven myself, and even worse, I'm starting to be paranoid that those actions may have caused problems for other people involved, and if that's the case, I've just increased the size of the cross I've been bearing, and yet desperately trying to shed.

I'd give my weight in gold to trade this fear and anxiety for a nice healthy neuroses like weight-consciousness.