The Vast Boardshort Conspiracy

Yes folks, that's right...it's a conspiracy. Ready to dismiss my words with skepticism? Ready to call me a paranoid crackpot? Well, let me tell you! Beware! The Swimwear Industry is in on the biggest conspiracy since the Donut Industry's decision to support the Tim Horton's plan to sell frozen donuts! Before you dismiss me, hear my arguments. Let me lay out the facts:

Yours truly is the victim of a tragic combination of effects that have been manipulated by the Swimwear Industry. I own 5 bathing suits. A blue one-piece, a black tankini with boy-cut shorts, a blue and white-flowered bikini, a blue and green-tropical bikini, and a yummy brown bikini with beading. I own 1 rashguard in black. I own 1 pair of boardshorts, mid-thigh length in black. Naturally, the black shorts are too long to look good with the bikinis, so I find myself in need of a pair of short boardshorts. And because I *need* something, it's going to become a big production because of the whole "Universe is working against me" Conspiracy.

Dear readers, I spent 4 fruitless hours wondering 3 different malls yesterday, including the Largest Mall in the World (West Edmonton Mall), and I did not prevail. Here's where the conspiracy reveals itself: Everything is too long, too ugly, too pink, too small or too big. Think us little stick-insect people have no trouble shopping for clothes? Think again! The Swimwear Industry collaborated with the Donut Industry over the last year to affect a change in the size of my bottom that would make finding the right size in the right style with the right colours impossible.

But the conspiracy doesn't end there. No, it gets more insidious. I did manage to find a pair that were the right colour and length at Intersport in Southgate Mall, but they were too big. The Intersport at West Ed is closing and have sold out of these shorts. I found these shorts again at the Chocolate Bikini Company at West Ed, but they were too damn small. The Billabong Website shows absolutely no traces of the company ever having produced these mythical perfect boardshorts.

I have 3 more malls to try, but it will all come to nothing! Beware of the Swimwear Industry! Help expose the Vast Boardshort Conspiracy! Fie! Fie!