Crisis of the self...averted

I've been largely adrift lately. I go to work, albeit to a better job than I had up until 2 months ago, I go home, maybe do some household chores, and find ways to occupy myself and/or Etienne. And I do all of this knowing I want more for my life.

Recently, Etienne had a chance to think about his situation based on something I had said in conversation, and he realized he is where he wants to be right now. Not Ottawa, he doesn't *want* to be here; but in terms of his current job/career, he's on the right track and he likes what he does, and I envy that to some extent.

The natives are restless...literally. Once again, I find myself in the position of looking to my future, knowing it isn't what others expect it to be, and struggling to find the right way to make the changes needed in order to turn my future into my present. If this 'existential crisis' I'm having sounds familiar, it's because you've seen it before, spelled out in this blog; each instance led to some large step in life (new cities, new jobs, returns to school...the typical routes) that have each moved me to where I am now, so I know I'm on the right path. Unlike so many others though, I haven't yet reached my goals, and it can be so frustrating when other people who have judge me foolish for wanting to walk away from the safety and security of public service in order to reach my finish line.

I'm doing my best to find my way, but recently I've faced opposition that made me feel less than my worth; well-meaning people in my life have...well, scolded me or chided me about how foolish it is to walk away from government. They don't (or won't) understand that what drives me isn't the same thing that drives them. No matter how many times or ways I've tried to explain that I just don't do things the way most people do, that I've always marched to the beat of my own drummer, the message doesn't reach them.

In a moment of true sorrow and anguish, as I felt like giving up, I reached out to Rod. Besides my mother, no one left alive on this planet knows me so well, and in some ways, he knows me best.

Ever the very best of friends, he responded to my troubles with this...

"Well, I think for the majority of the populace, a "good" public service job is the epitome of a safe, secure career path. It's very organized and structured in terms of advancement and reward. You put in the time, you are guaranteed the reward - more money and more vacation time. But it isn't necessarily the most fulfilling, dynamic or exciting work. And you my friend are not 'The Constant Gardener', but rather his wife. You enjoy the rewards from a steady job, but you need more from life than steadiness."

So thank you, Rod. Thank you.